Corso Causes Brain Damage

This Week in Transfer News - I Lost My Job, Mom

2009-01-12T11:10:00.000-08:00

Usually following the season, a few things go down. Coaches get canned. Coordinators are escorted from the building by security with a personal items box already rounded up for them (typically the excrement of the security guards). Athletic directors assess the direction of the program. Chancellors decide on more ways to fuck over the fanbases who demand a playoff system while having oily sex on bags of untaxed BCS money. Oh, one more things... whiny little kids decide riding pine is not for them and they decide to transfer.

CASE #1 - Jake Christensen

I'm not a big Iowa guy. The only time I was ever introduced to them was during their run with Brad Banks at the helm that was dashed rather rapistly (not a word but could be) by Pete Carroll's mongols from Southern Cal in the Orange Bowl. Plus, you can't really root for a program when it's coach has signed the ass of every possible NFL head coaching position slot swung in his face by some douchebag owner for the past decade. The guy wants to bolt. Kind of hard to really support a guy like that --- except when he's benching kids for poor play.

Kirk Ferentz, NFL job sniffer in question, told Jake to hit the bricks at the beginning of this season in favor of Ricky Stanzi. Great porn name. Anyway, Christensen thinks this was a bonehead move and has decided to quit on his team in favor of going to another school where he'll ride out the rest of his college career in total anonymity. I'm not saying Iowa City is the Manhattan of the midwest but it's atleast on a map. Somewhere. In some library. Word on the street is that little Jake doesn't like the boo birds. Wow. If you haven't been the ridicule of drunk, biligerent assholes in the stands with letters painted on their chests before your foray into college, you have led a happy and blissfully ignorant existence. That existence, I tell you, doesn't bode well if you ever decide to have sex with a woman in this lifetime.

CASE #2 - Robert Marve

So, after breaking your hand in an off season car accident and getting detained by police for suspicion of underage drinking, you decide now is the best time to leave school? Once you've been replaced on the playing field and not when you were reprimanded numerous of times for off-the-field issues? Mind you. He's no Adam Jones... yet. I wasn't an Adam Jones in high school either but I've seen my share of drunk escapades suddenly dissolve into gunfights. I know. I'm a badass.

Certainly Robert has motives for leaving. He doesn't like the coach? Check. He doesn't like that said coach fired his favorite offensive coordinator? Check. Obviously he would go through the proper channels to get his request for immediate dismassal from the team? Hold on right there.

Whatever. It's not like he's leaving a program on the cusp of greatiness. Jacory Harris won't be mistaken for Tom Brady (or Tom's choice in women) anytime soon. Marve will just have to Kirby Freeman himself back to prominence at another school and hopefully get beat out by a track-star-turned-option-QB like all the greats do. Dan Marino? Leroy Watkins' protege back in the day. Don't know who Leroy Watkins is? Marino did his job then.

Tebow of Nazareth Resurrects Himself for Another Year

2009-01-12T09:54:00.000-08:00

The guy wanted to leave. I've been to Gainesville. Complete fucking dump. The college? Dirty cesspool for every cantankerous being that was able to pass the STD test at Florida State. For a sexless wonder like Superman, that wouldn't be a problem. His only problem was impressing the individuals with penises who evaluate talent on the next level. Those guys reactions to Tebow testing the waters of the NFL? Limp to say the least.

ESPN (without the use of Tebow's God stick in their mouths or Thom Brennaman's] reports he was told that his Jesus Cristo skills of willing his teams to victory was not an applicable component to calculating the time it took him to throw from one hash mark to the other. I know. Stat geeks. You can't kill them but apparently you can't ignore the fact that they know a thing or two about projecting pro talent. Todd McShay is their leader. He knows talent picking. (Pic has zero to do with the story. It's just hilarious)

In the end, good decision for the T man. With another Heisman trophy or national championship he cements his legacy as one of the best players in college football behind NFL-bust Archie Griffin and Canadian beer truck driver Tommy Frazier. But we all know the drawbacks of ruining a great junior year with false hopes of replicating that awesomeness in your senior year --- two words --- MATT LEINART. Awghhhhhh. Stay away from the light, Tim. Go in the 6th round as a backup punter/inside linebacker. Quick. You still have the time. Gooooooo.

The Call to Arms

2009-01-12T09:30:00.000-08:00

Don't worry about your current position. You haven't stumbled on a secret military plan that would allow the current President or future President Palin-Obama to explode heads with the use of Lee Corso's mind numbingly abysmal analysis. No, Corso ~~taint lickers~~ ~~mule rapists~~ ~~Pat Forte shemale impersonator~~ enthusiasts. This is just the start of something boring that will probably waste some of my time for the next few months or so.

Welcome to Corso Causes Brain Damage, just another unfunny ESPN-inspired comedy site focused on the innards and outards of the college football scene. I'd do my musings on basketball but I'd be unfunny in explaining how Rashard McCants fucking Kim Kardasssssshian's Shrek sister is ruining his game. I'm also lame at headline news, baseball, football, and other sports focused on professionals. Or even college football. So I'll stick to young boys and the almost pro game [re: also known as non-Alabama].

What do I bring to the table? Nothing absolutely fresh. My four semesters at the University of Miami only lends credence to the notion that I have zero background in what I'm talking about. Should that stop anyone from voicing an opinion? No. Patrick Nix should have been shitcanned the day he was hired. Do I need to be an alumni to make that claim? No. I just know what I see on the field. The guy was clearly incompetent with his Bob Fosse styled bubble screens that never worked and was fearful of any type of running based attack even though he has 3 of the best tailbacks in the conference on his roster. Loser.

Am I here to tear people down? Yes. I subscribe to the philosophy (the thought process and not to be confused with the guy on Sundays on CBS trying to explain simple things teams can do to win games that any idiot who isn't first named Phil can come up with) that you must tear a guy down in order to build him back up. "Builds character, you pussy" said my Dad. Who else is going to do it? ESPN? Bob Costa? The Buzz? No. They're too busy fellating these guys [loose term for unqualified coaches, overly cocky players, and unsexy atheltic directors] for quotes in exchange for access. I have zero interest in access. I've never step foot in a news room and have no interest in ever doing so. A degree in journalism does nothing if you're too afraid to use it.

Big talk, asshole. Why the hiding behind the screen name if you're such an internet badass? Well, until I get paid, I have to have a real job and that job can't be completed with Stacey Dales chasing me down outside the office trying to get me to admit to calling Nick Saban an absolute abomination on the human race [which I will do often] on camera. Just not my style.

I don't know how this turned into an interview conducted by myself about me but I'm sorry.

In conclusion, I thought I'd end this introduction with my views on the following:

1. When you are fired from a major instution, do NOT assume you can transition easily from the sideline to the analysis chair. Dear God was it difficult to have to watch Philip Fulmer and Terry Bowden mumble through awkward segues for Capital One Bowl week. Maybe communication deficieny skills was one of the several kill shots for their termination. That and the pathetic on-field performance of teams highly ranked in the preseason.

2. Preseason polls are gayer than Rachel Maddow blowing Ellen Degeneres with Jeremy Piven's skin flute.

3. Utah should join the Pac 10. Maybe playing in a legitimate conference would stop their usual 4 year bitchfest for being left out of the BCS.

4. The BCS is gayer than Kim Cattral riding bareback on Billie Jean King's tennis racket dildo.

5. Calling something gay is not disparaging to homosexual people. Just so you know, I have a gay friend. He says a lot dirtier stuff than I could ever imagine to print on an internet screen. A sample: "Blowfishing" is a term he coined for someone who blows a load in a guy's ass and snorts it out with their nose. Yes. That is disgusting.

Welcome to the site. Hope your stay in hell is just as pleasant as mine. Tip Hitler on your way out.