This Week in Transfer News - I Lost My Job, Mom

Usually following the season, a few things go down. Coaches get canned. Coordinators are escorted from the building by security with a personal items box already rounded up for them (typically the excrement of the security guards). Athletic directors assess the direction of the program. Chancellors decide on more ways to fuck over the fanbases who demand a playoff system while having oily sex on bags of untaxed BCS money. Oh, one more things... whiny little kids decide riding pine is not for them and they decide to transfer.

CASE #1 - Jake Christensen

I'm not a big Iowa guy. The only time I was ever introduced to them was during their run with Brad Banks at the helm that was dashed rather rapistly (not a word but could be) by Pete Carroll's mongols from Southern Cal in the Orange Bowl. Plus, you can't really root for a program when it's coach has signed the ass of every possible NFL head coaching position slot swung in his face by some douchebag owner for the past decade. The guy wants to bolt. Kind of hard to really support a guy like that --- except when he's benching kids for poor play.

Kirk Ferentz, NFL job sniffer in question, told Jake to hit the bricks at the beginning of this season in favor of Ricky Stanzi. Great porn name. Anyway, Christensen thinks this was a bonehead move and has decided to quit on his team in favor of going to another school where he'll ride out the rest of his college career in total anonymity. I'm not saying Iowa City is the Manhattan of the midwest but it's atleast on a map. Somewhere. In some library. Word on the street is that little Jake doesn't like the boo birds. Wow. If you haven't been the ridicule of drunk, biligerent assholes in the stands with letters painted on their chests before your foray into college, you have led a happy and blissfully ignorant existence. That existence, I tell you, doesn't bode well if you ever decide to have sex with a woman in this lifetime.

CASE #2 - Robert Marve

So, after breaking your hand in an off season car accident and getting detained by police for suspicion of underage drinking, you decide now is the best time to leave school? Once you've been replaced on the playing field and not when you were reprimanded numerous of times for off-the-field issues? Mind you. He's no Adam Jones... yet. I wasn't an Adam Jones in high school either but I've seen my share of drunk escapades suddenly dissolve into gunfights. I know. I'm a badass.

Certainly Robert has motives for leaving. He doesn't like the coach? Check. He doesn't like that said coach fired his favorite offensive coordinator? Check. Obviously he would go through the proper channels to get his request for immediate dismassal from the team? Hold on right there.

Whatever. It's not like he's leaving a program on the cusp of greatiness. Jacory Harris won't be mistaken for Tom Brady (or Tom's choice in women) anytime soon. Marve will just have to Kirby Freeman himself back to prominence at another school and hopefully get beat out by a track-star-turned-option-QB like all the greats do. Dan Marino? Leroy Watkins' protege back in the day. Don't know who Leroy Watkins is? Marino did his job then.